control is a funny thing.

Every time I meet with a client, there is so much to unpack in terms of the way we judge ourselves in our parenting journey. And yet, it’s completely understandable. In the United States, we have systemic limits that condition parents to perpetuate the image and performance of The American Dream. Apparently, the term “lifting yourself up by your bootstraps” has become an iconic American term. 

The phrase first appeared in the 1830s, and it wasn’t meant as encouragement. It described something impossible - like trying to lift yourself into the air by tugging on your own bootstraps. In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, in the U.S., it got reinterpreted. Instead of meaning “an impossible task,” it became linked to the American ideal of rugged individualism: succeeding through one’s own hard work, without outside help. Today it’s deeply tied to the American Dream narrative: anyone can succeed if they JUST work hard enough. In the Bay Area, I actually think this culture is even more prominent. With tech and start-up culture running rampant in this region, it is no surprise that we bring this concept back home - this idea that you are rewarded for pushing through despite the lack of resources and staff. 

As a first-generation daughter raised by immigrants working in finance in New York City, tenacity and hard work was a major value in our household. On top of that, I was raised in a very narcissistic household. Survival was pushing through all the hardship - emotionally and physically. I was taught to put my feelings and my needs to the side and forced to prioritize everyone else around me. I was gaslighted to believe that my feelings didn’t matter and that I was selfish if I ever put myself first. After attending NYU, I started my career in the fashion industry in the fashion capital of The World. And, well, that added to my survival tactics. 

Almost twenty years later, I look back and see how often I was burnt out and how often I had the same narrative that my clients face. 

“It’s just a hard patch. Just push through.”

“If you sacrifice more, you’ll get that promotion.”

“It’s just easier if I do it.”

“If I’m just more organized, I can get everything done.”

The biggest hurdle with the work I do is The Shame. It is my biggest competition. It robs people of their true value and the recognition of that value. That these parents deserve that support WITHOUT THE NEED TO EARN IT. I will say this from the mountaintops. It is a limiting belief to stand behind the idea that you can get rest IF you earned it. You can have that dessert IF you earned it. Every single person on this planet deserves support. It may not look the same person by person, but everyone deserves support that suits them best. It may be different week-to-week. But every body and everybody deserves support.

This is an invitation to bring awareness on the narrative that is swirling in your head. Can you discern between the truth and the limiting beliefs? The limiting beliefs are holding you back. Are you exhausted? Yes, that’s the truth. Do you have to wait until you’re burnt out to receive support? That’s a limiting belief. Do you have a newborn that deserves your ultimate attention and focus? Yes, that’s the truth. Does that mean you’re not allowed to have some time to yourself? That’s a limiting belief. 

Like so many things, it’s hard to change the environment, the systems, and the current climate that we are in here in the United States. But there are things that you can absolutely control and no one is going to think you’re crazy for that. We should feel empowered to make the necessary shifts that we can. In a society that is obsessed with control, let us feel empowered to control what we truly can - for the sake of our mental health and the livelihood of us and our family. 

We can control what we bring into our space and what we push out that no longer serves us. 

We can control the people whom we choose to spend our time and energy with.

We can control our breath. 

We can control our words.

We can control where we step one foot in front of another. 

We can control what kind of support we need and when we receive that support. 

We can control what restoration looks like. 

Empower yourself around what you can control. It is such a gift and such a privilege to lean into that. You deserve the support you need in the way you want it, when you want it, and how you want it. Envision it and let me help you achieve your goals.