self-care is not intuitive
In our society, it really seems like self-care should be this intuitive thing. This reminds me of the way Ali Wong described breastfeeding, like it’s supposed to be this beautiful, intuitive experience. When in reality, self-care is a practice and in order for it to be effective, a framework needs to be put into place.
I always cringe when someone says to just take a bath or do some deep breathing. It completely eliminates the hard work that actually comes with self-care. Self-care isn’t easy. If self-care was easy, then all mothers would be living in bliss day after day.
Self-care is crucial to reduce the onslaught or intensity of burnout. It helps to regulate yourself and your nervous system. At the same time, it can also be a powerful tool once burnout or Flight or Fight occur. However, your nervous system becomes much trickier to manage once you have hit that point. Self-care helps to mitigate that risk.
Self-care isn’t easy to implement because it actually requires practice and a frame. I introduce to you My Self-Care Framework, including the 3-Tier System of Self-Care. Let’s start with The Framework - this helps to understand how we can use self-care as a tool to regulate our nervous system and to prevent burnout. The framework includes includes a three step process: awareness, solutions, and implementation.
Awareness: you need to have the self-awareness to fully understand the emotional state that you are in. Are you in fight, flight, fawn, or freeze? Ideally, you are proactive with your self-care and you have the ability to anticipate your needs at a particular event. If you are the one carrying the mental load, I know how familiar this concept is to you. I know you have the ability to anticipate the needs of your family members. But what about yourself? Ideally, you can be proactive and therefore, you are preventing the burnout instead of managing the burnout.
Solutions: when people think about self-care, they often jump to the solutions part of the work. They think of the bath or the journaling. But self-care should encompass a range of options, just like a toolbox. You need a variety of tools depending on the particular need of the project. The same concept should be applied to self-care. I will get more into that later.
Implementation: lastly, this component can sometimes be the hardest for folks. Finding the time and the energy to implement the self-care can be challenging when you have a packed schedule or you don’t have the resources to find other childcare. Nevertheless, the options of self-care can meet you where you are at no matter what stage of motherhood or life you are in.
Most people tend to focus a ton of their energy on the solutions and not enough energy on the Awareness and Implementation stages. These are JUST as important. You need the awareness to be proactive about your triggers. Your implementation of self-care is the actual practice of putting yourself first. Each stage is critical to prevent burnout as a parent.
Now, let’s talk about the 3-Tier System of Self-Care. This system allows you to create a “toolbox” of self-care options that you can use at any time to help regulate. Your options for self-care should be organized into three buckets based on how accessible it is to you at the given time: low, mid, and high.
Low tier self-care is typically options that are the easiest to access in terms of time and availability. This can be anything from meditation to a donut. Personally, I prefer the latter. This is something that can be quick and easy to access especially when you need a reset (like in between meetings or after work before you pick up the kids from school).
Mid tier self-care is a step up that might include more time to properly reset your nervous system. This could be anything between taking a quick walk or setting a boundary. And yes, setting a boundary is self-care. This could be something that takes ~20 minutes or slightly more of a time commitment.
High tier self-care is something luxuious. Whether it’s the luxury of time, money, or energy, this is something that really can really empty your cup. This could be something truly luxurious like a spa treatment or a babysitter.
At the end of the day, this scale of the tiered system is based on what is available to you. If something high tiered is enjoying a cup of coffee when it’s hot, then that’s what it is. Perhaps as you move through your motherhood journey, you may be able to take that coffee on a walk. Or you may take that coffee on a drive to your spa appointment. This tiered system is meant to be a sliding scale. AND your tier system may change depending on where you are in your motherhood journey. My choices for self-care were very different in the early infant stages versus the toddler stage.
Your self-care evolves as you evolve.
You also deserve rest and you do not need to earn that rest. Let’s remember that the purpose of self-care is to avoid burnout. Once you hit burnout, it often takes more time, energy, and sometimes money to alleviate any stress or trauma. Self-care is an investment. It is a practice that serves you significantly so you do not have to manage the consequences of burnout.
I hope you find ways to implement a self-care routine and framework for you wherever you are in your parenthood journey and if you need some assistance in building out this framework for you, reach out to me in a free consult and let’s chat when you’re ready.
