The Holiday rollercoaster
As an adult, the holidays have always crept up so quickly but it hits different when you are a parent - especially when your kid is in school. I am always surprised by how quickly September flies but there’s something about all the school reminders and events around Halloween that really ramps up the holiday anxiety for me. It feels like I’m on a rollercoaster car that is clanking its way up the big lift approaching the drop with huge anticipation.
A few weeks ago, I shared my blog on how to incorporate self-care as a busy mom using the self-care framework and a tiered-system of options so you always have a menu of self-care choices whenever you need something to reset. In the blog, I talk about how it’s even more impactful if you are able to anticipate the need for self-care before you hit the point of frustration. There is a great infograph that I saw on Instagram that shows this exact approach to being proactive about your needs.
As moms carrying the mental load, we are professional anticipators. Society pressures us to be on top of all the school events, birthday parties, extracurricular activities, and assignments. And yet, it is so hard to use that superpower on ourselves. It’s like there is this giant brick wall that somehow keeps us exempt from this gift. We have the skillset - it will serve not only just us but our entire family and village if we are able to anticipate our needs so we can be proactive about reducing our burnout.
I’ll speak for myself - it’s not just the to-dos for the holidays that brings me stress. It’s PTSD from all the family fights that would occur during the holidays. As October hits, my body starts to have a physiological response that says “Hey, I remember.” I have a fairly dysfunctional family and I am no contact with my father for almost 6 years. The last holiday fight was Christmas before I went no contact. And I’ve had a peaceful holiday ever since then. Nevertheless, the memories and the trauma from childhood to adulthood still lingers to this day.
It’s usually the week before September, around this time of year, that I start to feel the build up of anxiety. I feel the anxiety rise up into my throat. I find myself sighing deeply all day. I feel a tightness in my chest. I feel quiet in my head. I’m biting my lip all day. I can barely eat. These are all indicators that I’m entering this part of the year where I start to feel the holiday anxiety and anticipation. After many years, I’ve learned this pattern in myself and it’s important you learn your indicators.
I look at the calendar ahead and I consider all the travel and get togethers and I find ways to incorporate self-care. And yes, I believe that some of your self-care should be planned and some of it should be more fluid and in the moment. These are the steps I am going to take to ensure I am considering enough self-care for my future self.
Look at the trips and get-togethers. Ensure you are planning for some time to yourself. Research nail salons, parks for walks, cafes or bookstores to browse, anything that your heart desires for the locations you are traveling and visiting. Put that in the calendar and connect with one of your support people to ensure that there is childcare arranged for that period.
During the trips, schedule some bonding time with the people in the family that you really value and appreciate. Getting that bonding time especially when you live far away might be the best thing that you need. It’s always helpful to connect with people who understand your exact family dynamic.
If you do have trips planned, schedule self-care for your return. It might be planning grocery deliveries or hiring a cleaning team for the house. It might be booking a spa appointment. Make sure you find time for the return home. The chaos coming back from a trip and trying to get back into the routine can feel hectic for some.
Anticipate some sick days for the kids and for yourself. I usually have some “rainy day” type of toys or activities for these moments. Have them ready in case you need them.
Find time to connect with your friends for dinner or coffee. Ideally, you have this time in-person. You need support people to ground you at this time.
For major holidays, I find it helpful to have a self-care option before the holiday, during the holiday, and after the holiday. It doesn’t have to be a spa treatment for each other. It could be a manicure before the holiday, a solo walk during the holiday, and a girls’ dinner after the holiday to catch up.
If you have to prioritize one, schedule the one BEFORE the holiday. It’s easy to focus on AFTER the holiday but the key here is to be proactive so you want to reset yourself before the holiday fervor.
The more a mother enjoys her holiday, the more a child enjoys it too. The two are inextricably linked. Your experience matters significantly because your children can feel it. This is not mean to create shame or guilt around your experience but for you to understand how much you matter during the holidays. It’s very easy to focus on everyone else but the magic comes from you. Not what you create or set up or how clever your shelf on the elf is.
As a kid who seemed like she had everything in the world, none of that mattered because of the fights, the arguments, the crying, the stress, and the despair. It didn’t matter that I got everything I wanted on my Christmas list. What lingers and lasts today are the memories and the connection. I don’t have the Polly Pockets anymore. I don’t have the stuffed animals anymore. I don’t have the Sega Genesis anymore. I have a dysfunctional family. There are parts I love about my family, of course. But there’s also parts that are very challenging. I think everyone feels this way about their family to certain degrees and the balance between the two things vary and shift throughout the year and throughout their life. But the stuff really comes and goes. The relationship is the real gift and the one that lasts forever. It’s the thing that keeps you up at night. It’s the thing that gives you peace. It’s absolutely irreplaceable.
You know how much the holiday joy stems from you. But the focus shouldn’t be on what you execute, or deliver, or produce. Your well-being has a direct manifestation and correlation to everyone else’s well-being. It’s not easy to put yourself first - I get it. Start with baby steps. And just like the way your kid started walking, you start with crawling, then standing up, then wobbly steps, then frankenstein walks. And before you know it, you’ll be running.
