My husband does bedtime routine better than i

The craziest thing happened the other week and I still cannot get over it to this day. For about half a year now, my husband, Avery, has been The Parent for Bedtime for our three year old. This was always supposed to be the intention but for many different reasons we would often switch it up or there would be a period that I would do it. 

I am our son’s full-time caregiver. Once I started Mikado, I knew that something would have to fall off my plate. I discussed this with Avery and we agreed that he would take the  lead for bedtime. I would only take the lead on exception-based scenarios. It could be when Avery is traveling or Daniel is sick and is craving me. Or call it mother’s intuition but there can be nights where he’s struggling emotionally and I know he just needs me specifically. 

Anyway - back to The Craziest Thing That Happened. Avery was going to go on an overnight work trip to Mendocino for a new business venture. Avery leaves early, and I think nothing of it. Later that night, Daniel and I finish dinner and we make our way up the stairs for bathtime. While I run the bath and get everything set up, Daniel has his potty routine watching Thomas the Train on my phone while I get everything set up. Daniel is so excited that I am the one doing his routine tonight. “You’re going to give me my bath, mama? Oh! Thank you for doing that!” Absolutely so sweet. 

I place him in the bath and start grabbing his toys and suddenly, I realize that I don’t know any of the details of the bathtime routine. If you are a toddler parent, you know the details matter so much to them. Whether it’s how you cut the fruit, or the order that you put on their clothes, some detail can throw your kid into a wild meltdown. And let’s be honest, when it comes to bedtime, parents are actively trying to reduce the chances of meltdowns after a long day. 

I started thinking about the details I didn’t know. I didn’t know if he created new imaginative play scenarios with Avery in the bath. I didn’t know if Avery set a timer. I didn’t know if he drains the water first then takes out Daniel or vice versa. It became very clear that even though I am the default parent, I had no idea how the bedtime routine works anymore. That is how disconnected I have been from this component of the mental load. 

It felt incredibly strange but also oddly freeing. It’s very obvious that I still struggle with some anxiety around routines - a hangover behavior from my early postpartum anxiety. The guilt sets in. I feel awful that I am so removed from something so sacred, and I also am so proud of myself for being at this point in my motherhood.

I have successfully delegated a task that I have been doing for years.

And the best part? Daniel loves it, and Avery has completely mastered this part of Daniel’s day. There are times when Avery is doing the bedtime routine and I don’t hear a single peep of frustration from Daniel as I’m tidying and resetting the house for the night. I have successfully delegated a component of the mental load.

As Avery and I reach more growth in our careers, these moments are really special for everyone. Avery gets to have this special one-on-one time with his son. I get the solo time to reset and take a breather after tidying up quickly. And my son really enjoys his one-on-one time with all of us in his day. 

I don’t believe in motherhood hacks to reduce the mental load. I share this story because it is proof that it takes time to build this foundation of trust and execution. In a work environment, it is not reasonable to delegate a task and expect that person to master that responsibility overnight. It takes time from both parties to let the other person learn and adapt. In the beginning, I am actively not going upstairs to respond to every cry and frustration from Daniel. There were some tricky nights that I said to Avery after putting Daniel to bed, “I do not want to go up there when Daniel is having a hard time because I trust that you can completely handle it. And I don’t want to take that away from you. I know that you’ve got this.” And of course, if Avery needs help, I am always there for him but the point is to give him absolute trust and for me to avoid micro-managing his parenting experience. 

Letting go is one of the hardest stages of reducing the mental load. It seems so intuitive but it is incredibly challenging especially as the default parent. No one likes being in an uncomfortable situation, including your children. However, growth always comes with discomfort. And this was a place where we were embracing our growing pains here. 

I am so proud of where we are in our marriage and in our parenthood journey. This didn’t happen overnight. Reducing the mental load requires the commitment to build this foundation of trust, patience, and consistency where we can start to truly create systems of ease and efficiency. A hack here and there isn’t going to truly reduce the mental load. Reducing the mental load requires a very thoughtful and intentional step-by-step process to get to your end goal - your self-care and mental health is end-game. When you first start this journey, it is always the hardest. Once you start practicing trust, patience, and consistency, it becomes easier each time you approach another area to delegate from the mental load. 

As a mom who struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety, this unlock was huge for me. When I realized that this can be a new path forward, it changed my mental health significantly in a truly impactful way. For so long, I just couldn’t handle the guilt and the shame of letting go of some of the mental load. I felt like I should be able to handle it and that it was a sign of a weakness that I couldn’t push through it. I ended up at a point of total burnout. 

My goal is to keep you from hitting that point. When your fight or flight response kicks in and you simply cannot function entirely as your best self anymore. You become snappy. You’re emotional. You lose your cool with your kid. You’re suddenly screaming at a car for cutting you off on the highway. These are clear signs that your nervous system has been hijacked. You do not want to get to this point. 

If you feel like some of these symptoms are showing up, please reach out to me. I would love to support you to create a process of how to escape the burnout. I have a team of people who can support parents like us at any stage of parenthood. But it requires you to take the initiative to reach out and ask for the support you so truly deserve.